A beloved university professor was giving a lecture and he began by asking the audience “How many great teachers have you had in your school career? Ten? (a few hands went up) Five? (a couple of hands raised) Three? (the majority raised their hands). Yep, that’s about right. Most people have two or three great teachers in their school career.”
Having a teacher that motivates, inspires, and urges one forward is not as common as we think. Don’t get me wrong, I have been a teacher, and I know how hard the job is.
But it’s a unique ability to profoundly reach your students.
And then there are mentors. They pick up where a teacher’s reach is limited. These are people who oversee the development of a child or young adult, and who believe in that individual’s ability to rise above the rest. They teach, and then a whole lot more. Generally it’s a longstanding relationship, sometimes lasting well into adulthood.
I never had a mentor, and yet, I found mentorship in my life, and ate it up like the richest dessert imaginable.
You can, too.
So what exactly are we talking about? Mentoring involves guiding an individual through decision-making, modeling good and appropriate behavior, and having interest in their well-being and outcomes. The mentee is the recipient of this guidance and care, and will most likely do much better in life as a result.
Many of us don’t get that kind of guidance, and it’s not always our fault. We may not be ready. You know the old trope “When you’re ready, the teacher finds you”? We can be too wound up in something that’s leading us down a different path, which may be necessary for us to be ready for the teacher. Or in this case, the mentor.
After university I worked as a Montessori director for eight years, part-time. I’ve often said it was the one job I would’ve done without pay, something my employer intuited, because she paid me so little. But I was engrossed with the method and wanted to see if it worked. My personal conclusion was that, when done properly, it does indeed result in children being more engaged, self-directed learners.
One point that Dr. Maria Montessori made repeatedly in her lectures was that there is a miraculous feature of the human being that is self-directed. The example she always gave was about how we learn language. Here is an infant, fresh and plump and knowing nothing about the world around her, and yet, within six to twelve months, she absorbs a complex system of pronunciation, syntax, grammar and meaning. No one taught her, but rather, she absorbed language from her surroundings and interactions.
The point I’m making is simply that I’ve experienced this in my own life, as well as seen it in others’ lives. We all have an internal mechanism that guides us.
When I moved to NYC and started working in offices, I was lost. I was a hot mess. I’d been a rock/jazz musician and described myself as “semi-feral.”
The first woman I worked for was a successful agent to big rock stars. She was abusive, potty-mouthed and downright cruel. I found it impossible to learn anything from her, so I withdrew and left the job.
I got another job, and my new boss was a woman of kindness, strength, moral character and expertise in her field. She was powerful but self-contained. I lit up, paid attention to her, studying this new person in my life. She acknowledged my work ethic and promoted me.
I didn’t want to so much be like her. She was kind of square. And me, the hip musician/artist, I thought. And yet, she intrigued me. She knew how to get her way, guiding conversations gently but forcefully.
And she seemed to see something in me. She encouraged me.
At that point in my life, I didn’t see how I would survive this dance we call Living. But her belief in me lifted me out of my own dusty life into new imaginings of how I could be in the world.
I’d had my first “mentor.”
I left that job and got one with a lot of responsibility. Fortunately, I was better prepared because of that experience.
So, how can you find a mentor in your life? Here are three ways.
1) Look for mentoring. If you are on alert and conscious of wanting mentoring, you will find it. Terribly simple. And yet, not. A mentor is someone you can observe, interact with and get feedback from. It doesn’t have to be a person older than you, it can be a peer as well. Someone you admire.
If you are an entrepreneur, or have dreams of starting any enterprise, I highly recommend the organization SCORE, a national free mentoring program. The mentors are largely retired professionals from all walks of life, so you can pick the field you intend to enter, and find someone to mentor your path. Here’s the link: https://www.score.org/find-mentor.
A few years back I was planning an ambitious project with a friend. I got a SCORE mentor who lived far from me, but he had background in exactly what we were planning. So we spoke weekly on the phone, then bi-monthly as needed. The sessions were an hour on average, and he was insightful and encouraging and guided me well.
That project didn’t pan out, but I continued talking to my SCORE mentor for a while afterwards as I tried to get my bearings again. I highly recommend the organization. If you don’t care for the mentor you were assigned, you can choose another who might be better suited to your needs.
2) Open yourself up to being mentored. Your humility to learn from someone, to adapt new ways even as you are an adult, is going to serve you well. Open your mind and heart to receiving. Have no expectations. Just an open mind and heart.
3) Engage and be responsive to your mentor. This is a wholesome and necessary guidance you are seeking. Ask questions of your mentor, whether it be a boss, a neighbor, a relative, a friend. The process is never one-sided. It’s not a mentor pouring wisdom and guidance into an empty vessel. You are not empty! You carry all your own complications and understandings.
These are beginning steps. If you light the light and proceed with expectation that you will find this person to foster your greater self, you will. Be patient.
And there’s no age limit. I still learn from people. Currently someone mentors me about the later stage of life. Some of it I find useful, but not all. And that’s how it goes with a mentor, some of it you will cherish, and some of it may not be appropriate to you.
At the end of the day, it’s another human relationship, with ups and downs. You may even get to a point where you can mentor someone.
That is the grand payoff. Viva Las Vegas.
